so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
my nose is crying tears of wow.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
