Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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