I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
