I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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