we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
