bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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