i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As shirtless as possible
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
