She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
