Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
