i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
