his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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