Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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