I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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