You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
