Got a toothbrush?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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