Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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