Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
