I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
