Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
