You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
