Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
