It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
honey bunches of taint.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
