I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
