you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
