whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
