That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
