I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
