the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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