He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
