I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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