i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
