can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You pole danced in your parka.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
