i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
pop tarts are not kleenex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
