Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
soo... how was my night?
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