five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I know her cup size but not her name....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
