Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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