your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
