i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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