obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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