Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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