I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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