I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
