The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
