Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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