Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
