I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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