i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
