i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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