Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
