you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
